Wednesday, 29 February 2012

29. Confusion is not the word.

So I posted the other day about up coming date I was going on to cinema.

It went really well. Both parts agreed to this.

Then 2 days later she tells me she is confused and not ready, and that it's not fair on me. Fair enough. At least she told me now rather than later when attachments had started to form. What is really confusing though is she is the one what put all the moves on in the cinema.

She also texted previous to cinema saying she liked me, misses me and that she was jealous that I text another Lesbian we both know of.

I can't comment though, as much as my friends are saying she is playing me etc, I don't know her situation fully to comment. From what I can gather, her only female relationship was with someone who was in a relationship. So yes technically she was the other woman. And I think she was pretty much played.

I think what bothers me more is
"The age old It's not you it's me is so true right now".

I have used that before. But I asked her truthfully, and she said it was the truth and I have no reason to doubt her.

Apparently her head is fucked up. But whose isn't in this current world? Especially within the lesbian community. I think part of the criteria to be a lesbian is to be a little "fucked up".


Tuesday, 28 February 2012

28. Night Shifts

So, I'm on night shifts this week again. Oh and next week.

Last time I ever give the kindness of my heart and offer to help out. I don't even know why I did it cause I knew if I gave them an inch they would take a mile.

Say something and all I am likely to get is "Oh but the Managing Director said if you don't do...[insert sentence here]".

But I am Not the only member of staff at this establishment! Why can't any of the others do it. Also is the managing director aware that I actually had a period of sickness back up from a note from the doctor stating certain restrictions on my shifts?

It annoys me too, because this week I have sunday off, but technically I don't cause working saturday night stretches 7 hours into Sunday, so in my books it is far from a day off. Plus I'll probably spend the majority of the day sleeping trying to catch up and prepare for my day shift the next day. Surely doing Days and nights is illeagel. If it's not it certainly should be!!

That is all today really. Not much to say. The mix of working nights and days is tiring me.


Monday, 27 February 2012

27. Online to real life

I'm going on a date tomorrow night with a girl I met on a local dating site 3 years ago. A few months after we started chatting on this we bumped into each other at the local gay. We shared a drunken kiss, but remained text buddies.

I've always text her when I need a smile and she always manages to make me smile. We have always got on, and even have always "pet" names for one another. I liked her, but didn't know her. Although it is surprising how well you can get to know people through texts.

We met up last Wednesday for drinks, a couple of games of pool and even ended up getting a bite to eat. We got on like a house on fire. She was so genuine and exactly how I thought she would be.

When the end of the night came I had to try my hardest to resist kissing her, just in case she didn't feel the same way.

Text I received later that night:

The thought of kissing you cannot escape my mind.

Turns out she felt the same way. The next day she came round for for a cup of tea, upon her leaving we shared our first sober kiss, I was excited, nervous and nauseous all at the same time.

We are going to cinema tomorrow. I max do the sneak arm on shoulder movement. (you all know the one)


Sunday, 26 February 2012

26. Facebook

I think the majority of people out there have facebook these days. It's become the norm to have one. So much so that when out at a pub or club or other places, and you catch someones eye.
What used to be the classic:
Can I have your number?

Has now changed to:
Whats your name on facebook?

I have a love hate relationship with facebook. I hate it for many a reason. In real life would I actually talk to half the people I have on my "friends" list? No. Would I walk down the street and shove pictures of my wasted self in their faces? No. Would I randomly go around poking people I barely know? Erm... No. Would I go round to their house and graffitti on their wall? Again... No.

But I love how it passes so much time. Hours in fact.

The new timeline feature is strange too. Infact I wish this aspect of my life was more like Facebook. What do I mean? I mean the fact that you can go to an "event/memory" and delete it from facebooks existance. And also the ability to block people from your life would come in ever so handy.


Saturday, 25 February 2012

25. 10 Years from now...

So last night whilst at work I completed another DayZero task.

To write a letter to myself and open it in 10 years. I actually found it really hard to do.
Just what exactly do you write to yourself?

Was a little strange if truth be told. The idea came from when I started secondry school in 1999, out form tutor told us to write ourselves a letter which he was going to keep until our last day of our last year in 2004. We all wrote one, but we never did get them back.

All I have to do now is seal it and put it in a safe area. But not the kind of safe area where its so safe it can never be found again. (I suspect this is what my tutor had done).

I'm on a night shift again tonight, and have very little sleep.

Family are on amber alert for crankiness tomorrow.

Friday, 24 February 2012

24. Night Shifts

At work I have agreed to help out over the next fortnight as one of the members of staff is on sick. So for the next few weeks I am on 3 night shifts and 2 day shifts. (I'm nice like that you see, helping out, even though I know I wont get any thanks for it)

Night's probably wouldn't be so bad, if it wasn't for the fact that I love my bed. Actually Love it. By no means am I lazy, but I love nothing more than lounging on my bed with a good book, or watching TV, or gaming. Or even just chilling with friends. (The curse of living with Mother again means I no longer have a full flat to entertain my friends).

They also wouldn't be too bad if it wasn't for the fact that they screw my already screwed up body clock. Once coming of nights it will take me a long long time to get it do my regular screwed up sleep pattern. That's if the staff member returns, because no doubt I will be put upon to continue doing the nights until her return.

I fell for this before. I ended up doing stupid amounts of hours a week (sometimes 5 nights and 1 day shift) in order to help out, this went on for about 6 months and ended up making me quite ill.

Bah. I can already see it happening :/

Thursday, 23 February 2012

23. When is it official?

Out of pure curiousity when does dating/seeing somebody become official?

Is it verbally agreed by both parts? or does it just become something more after a certain period of time.

I have never really done the whole dating/courting thing, stupidly I have always gone straight into a relationship to later find we are not compatible. So this time I want to do it properly.

There is just one thing that potentiall puts me off dating. What if while said dating is happening I become very good friends with said person and then become scared to make it official at the possibility of previously mentioned friendship being lost forever.

I suppose there are pros and cons for it. AS there are with just about everything.

(BTW she's quite amazing)

Wednesday, 22 February 2012

22. Baking Day... FAIL

As all my regular BlogBuddies are aware by now, I work in a car home for the elderly. Sometimes I like my job, other times I detest it.

At my current place of work my extended roll is that of "Activities Co0rdinator and Manager", this basically means I am Captain Fun. Great job you make think.


Entertaining the elderly is possibly one of the hardest things imaginable, they moan and complain about everything. Everything. Unless it involves Television, Sleep or food they are just not interested.

So one day I was thinking what I could do with my little old dears. Food....? Haha! Baking Day.

So I did a baking session one day. 6 of the residents were interested in taking part. (Believe me this is a high number of interests!) Excellent I thought. Something different from bingo, and not a demeaning as colouring in! So I got the ingrediants to make Cheese Scones, Short bread and Buns (Normal and Gluten Free)

One of the 6 fells asleep whilst kneading the dough for the scones. One minute she was awake, chatting away about her childhood days of baking, the next she was hard on asleep!

One sat and stared with pure confusion, turns out she had never baked in her entire life.

One just got on with it, the way she always does. The other walked away off never to return again.

The two remaining had to be escourted away from one another. Turns out Lady 1 didn't agree with the other lady's method, after general bickering (the norm within care homes) Lady 1 decided to show lady 2 just how much she disagreed with her method by reinforcing her belief with a rolling pin. Luckily she missed!

Safe to say that was the end of baking day

Tuesday, 21 February 2012

21. Tweet Tweet

Today I was thinking about when I was younger, and some of the memories I have of my youth... (There are several, more may follow in the future.)

This one in particular I must of been about 12 years old, and my 2 best friends at the time where my neighbours, 2 brothers, who lived next door but one. One was 2 years my senior, the other about 4.

We would spend everyday together, especially myself and the younger of the 2 brothers. We were unseperable. 2 peas in a pod. We used to have many a sleep over.

So anyway this one particular year, we found a chick which had fallen out of its nest and was laid half dead on the concrete, slowly cooking away as the concrete was so hot from the sun.We took it upon our selfs to take the chick home. We had put it in an icecream tub with a "nest" we had made between us from various objects that we had found in the street.

We took it in turn feeding the bird bread soaked in milk, which we tentively gave it with a pair of tweezers the boys father had given us to use. We also gave it drinks from a pipet, which I think was from someones microscope set, I forget which one of us. We even dug for worms and cut them into small pieces to feed it.

When it was time for bed, we decided to keep the chick in my shed, due to it being warm in there, and the fact that none of our parents would allow us to bring the "flea bitten thing" into the house. Each one of us protested to our parents that they must let us bring it in our house as it needed night time feeding and looking after. We was really taking our roles of Vet/Bird mother serious, but alais neither of our parents would allow us.

So off we went to bed, all of use worrying about our poor little chick. The next day as soon as I woke up I went straight to the shed to go check on the chick, the boys must of been having the same thought cause as I was going out in my pyjamas the boys were on their way across in theirs. We held our breath as we opened the door, all of us hoping it had made it.

It had.

Over the next few days our lives revolved around this chick, and progress was being made as by the 5th day the bird was looking chirpyier (bad yoke... sorry Joke).

We was all so proud of our selfs, and decided between us all that the best place for the chick now would be to go to vets, surely they would help it back into the wild...?

So off we pottered, Ice Cream tub in tow, showing our little "miracle" to any friends we had passed. We said our goodbyes, each of us holding and stroking the chick, and dropped chick at the vets (one of our parents had already called and arranged with the vets about it coming in).

The next day I begged and begged my mum to call to see how chick was, after over an hour of my constant nagging she gave in.

Never in a million years did I expect her to tell me that Chick had died during the night.... I was absolutely shocked and devestated at the news. I cried my little eyes out. I just couldn't believe that we, 3 children, had managed to keep the bird alive for 5 days, 1 night at the vets and it had died. Apparently it never stood a chance.

This is when, I decided I didn't want to be a vet anymore.

Monday, 20 February 2012

20. Man Crushes

I'm not going to deny it. Personally I think a lot of lesbians have the odd man crush. They just don't admit it. Why? I can only imagine its because within the community if it seems a lesbian is looking at the opposite sex they get the stink eye, frowned upon so to speak.

In my local lesbian community it seems that lesbians tend to get suscpious of lesbians who admit they have crushes on guys. I can only assume that this is because lesbians are suspicious of Bisexual women toyying with their emotions before ditching them for a guy. (This is obviously much more heartbreaking than being left for another woman - NOT!!)

So anyway, the other day I was discussing my Man Crushes with my mother and gay boy, N.
Mum: I thought you was a lesbian?
Me: Yes?
Mum: But how are you if you fancy guys?
Me: It's called a Man crush mother, no doubt N gets Girl Crushes too.
Mum: *disbelieving* Do you N?
N: Yeah.
Mum: I don't understand it...
Me: It's no different to you fancying Pink! thats your girl crush.
Mum: I don't fancy Pink!, I just really really like her.
Me: Mum you nearly orgasm when she's on tele.

*Everyone Laughs*

So anyway, revealing my current Man Crushes...

Far Left: Carlos Solis, from desperate housewives. With the goatee if you please.

Left: Will Smith, I've always had a thing for him, and he just seems to get better looking as he gets older.

I have guy crushes, and I'm not ashamed to admit it.

Sunday, 19 February 2012

19. Two Days Gone

What's the best way to lose 2 days? I'm on about a "constructive" loss of 2 days here. Not the loss of 2 days through the taking part in binge drinking.

It's quite simple really. Do a night shift.

In order to prepare myself for a night shift I find myself sleeping on and off throughout the day, trying to reserve my energy so the speak. I know this is probably the worst way for me to prepare myself for the mental torture that is a night shift. But I find myself doing it anyway.

From 7pm I find myself clock watching until the time is to set off for work. I get to work. Normally just in time, and I am kicking and screaming inside for agreeing to do it.

Work begins.

I start feeling sick around 4 am. So I will maybe have a bite to eat to replenish myself.

7am comes. Home time. I find myself struggling to walk home. I get home. oh look. I have got my second wind and I am often awake until 9 am, sometimes later.

Normally I would sleep for a few hours and then try and force myself to stay awake until bedtime. Trying to get the body clock semi normal again (my body clock is far from normal at the best of times anyway)

Today however I am back at work 4pm til 10pm. Yes it's actually an illegal for me to go to work again with such a short gap between my shifts. But I am helping them out.

I'm glad I am off tomorrow. Tomorrows gonna be a killer of a day of trying to stay awake and get some energy together.

Saturday, 18 February 2012

18. That's So Gay!!

Me: Don't you just hate the way that she is always like [insert something you dislike]
Friend: Yeah, it's so Gay!!

[me - palmface]

The amount of times I have cringed when my friend has said this. It actually really infuriates me when it's said. And it's not just one friend, a few of them use the word gay as an acronym for something bad. Many a times I have stated it annoys me, but it still gets said. Sometimes I feel like going all gay in their faces with my fist. But then I find my happy place and decide against this.

Using Gay as an acronym for something that is bad, in my opinion, just reinforces some peoples opinions that being gay is bad. Maybe I should start walking around saying oh thats so straight or sooo hetro for an acronym of something that's bad? I wonder if it would catch on?

Those of you know know me well in real life, (I actually hate the fact that some of my real life friends read this blog, gives me one less place to bitch about you. I kid ;-)), will know that I am a huge YouTube whore. Rather than watching TV 9/10 times I would much rather watch a few videos on youtube.

There are several people I subscribe to on youtube. One of these is Davey Wavey. I read his blog too []. Davey Wavey is a gay guy, who is very nice on the eye too. (yes I have man crushes too)
I find him to be very inspirational, and we could all learn a lot from him, and if we was all a little more like him in life the world would definately be a far better place to live in.

Anyway, Davey Wavey recently just posted a video on the youtube about the same subject as this.No Ididn't steal his idea because I am running low. It's just coincidential. In fact, this post was in my little black, that isn't black book (I still can't find it. Maybe it's time to get a new one.)

Anyway his video post was as follows, and I couldn't of put it better myself:-


Friday, 17 February 2012

17. Gym Fail

I am a total failiure at gym this week.

Which I hate myself for because I was getting into it so much.

It comes in 2 parts. 1st part I have started back at work this week after a week off, so I am slowly trying to get back into the flow of things there. It's amazing how much things can change in Residential homes over the space of an hour, let alone after a full week.

2nd part is somehow, unbeknownst to be, I have managed to hurt my already damaged knee. I have asked several people if I had fallen over whilst drunk, all of whom have stated I didn't. The only other reasonable explanation I can give for my pain is that I overdid it at the gym whilst off, going everyday and doing 10k.

So these past few days I have been doing light exercise but not hitting the gym. And I am actually starting to miss it.The Gym that is.

I have had a knee "injury" for just over 2 years now. I say "injury" as it isnt an injury as such, it just started hurting all of a sudden and then the pain just never seemed to go. It was like someone was stabbing through my knee cap and twisting with a red hot screw driver. I decided to get it looked at professionally when the pain was starting to spread to other areas of my leg (hip, shin, ankle). I was tested for rhuemetoid arthritus, which came back clear. And then got refered to have an MRI scan. But the blizzards of 2011 prevented ne from being able to go to my appointment.

So now I have to go through the whole rigmarole of being refered to the consultant again and what not before I can even rebook the scan.

This is on my list of things to do. Hopefully this week. The sooner the better infact, because I simply cannot cope with the aches and pains of it any longer.

Thursday, 16 February 2012

16. Annual Leave Denied

One thing I hate about being a "grown up" with a "proper job". Is the fact that you have to request time off when you want to go on holidays or short breaks.

I put in for some leave today, for the last weekend in August. Now any LGBTQ person in the North of England, possibly even the whole of England know this is because its "The Big Weekend". That is Manchester Pride. I was looking forward to my 96 hours of binge drinking, I went a few years ago with some friends and it was immense. Sadly I cannot get the time of work this year to go.

We have this thing at work, which no doubt most places have, where only a certain number of staff can be off at any one time. (Obvious really as they need workers about still).

It's a good job I told N to hold off booking the hotel really, he was after doing it today, and I was going to be paying him back. It works out that this weekend, if it was going to happen, would end up costing us about £200 just for travel and accomodation. Then there is spending money, and money for new outfits too.

We are hopefully going to Ayia Napa too in September. I think I may just sugguest us going on another holiday at somepoint to soften him up. 7 days away in the sun surely should soften anyone up? Besides. It will probably end up costing the same in the long run.

I'm hopefully going to China in June time too with my sister, to go see my friend H. This annual leave request I know has been authorised. Thank god!

Wednesday, 15 February 2012

15. Dehydration

I had personal training session at the gym yesterday. I got weighed and measured. I thought this was simply going to be a tape measure round my gut etc.
Take your right sock and shoe off

What? What did she want to do with my feet? I detest feet and detest people touching my feet. A blind panic came over me, and all I could find myself thinking was god please don't sniff up. They didn't smell but still they could of.

Anyway she attached 2 sticky pads to my foot then 2 to my right hand and told me to lie down and then attached a machine to me.

This machine then went on onto analyse my lean mass, body fat, and various other fitness working outs.

One in particular was hydration levels. Turns out I am one of the most dehydrated people she has met in a long time.

So I got a lecture about having at least 2 litres a day.

Its safe to say I have had about 6 litres today, this is due to having a huge hangover from going out for a "few" drinks with my gay friend N. These few drinks turned into a 12 hour drinking session and the best valentines day I have ever had.

Who said you need to be in a relationship to celebrate it? We was a couple of queers celebrating freedom.

Tuesday, 14 February 2012

14. Have You Ever Been In Love?

Keeping in theme with lovesick day er... sorry Valentines Day (No I am not bitter, assume all you want) I thought we would talk about love. 

The otherday I went round to a friends, B, and we was discussing among other things, Love. Basically we was talking about if we had been in love.

At the time, I thought I was in love, I had even told her I loved her. But even before the end of the relationship I found myself  listening to N Dubz - Comfortable, and in particular following lyrics played over and over in my head.
Tell me if this is love, or Am I just too comfortable?

And thus I found myself questioning my apparent love of her, or if I was just comfortable. Even at the start of the relationship I think that I was just infactuated with her. I had mistaken it for love.

I think I am in love with the idea of being in love maybe?

B, said something that made a lot of sense (along the lines of)
If you had to ask yourself if you was in love with her, then you wasn't.

Makes sense really.Love is supposed to be unquestionable. I've been told this. In fact I've said this to people. And there I was questioning it.

B, also played a song to me. I cant determine how I feel about it. Upset because I know I have never felt that kind of love, or excited for when I do finally find that kind of love....

Bryan Adams 0 Have You Ever Really Loved A Woman?

Anyway... I'm spending lunch today on a GAYTE (gay date) with my gay friend, N. We are gonna play it straight.


Happy Valentines Day

Monday, 13 February 2012

13. Weight Loss Joy

I almost forgot about todays post due to being tired.  I'm so tired as the Woman dragged me and the boy food shopping for what felt like a million hours. The boy is currently in a mood with me for cooing over him choosing and sending out his first Valentines. I think he got sick of me N'awwing at him with a smile on my face. All I can think about is my little brother growing up. N'awwww. My plans tomorrow however will be gym and meeting with friends.

I went to the Gym again today. This is becoming a regular occurance in my daily routine. One which I loathed at first. I'm not the fittest or the healthiest of people out there. I'm not even the most out going.

In fact, I'm not even afraid to meet it. I'm a regular coach potato.

In the corner before the entrance is some scales. Scales scare me. They always have done. I'd like to say that this is because they lie to me once I step on them, but that's not the case. The sad thing is they tell the truth. The sad inevitable truth that is I am overweight.

Upon stepping on them today I smiled. I had lost 5lbs. I can't explain how happy I was at this, after weeks, months even of plateauing at my current weight. I was estatic with my little self.

It's safe to say that my weightloss actually made me even more determined to stick to going to the gym, and to continue with the 10k a day cardio. I've ever booked in for a personal training session for tomorrow to get a personal training programme set up (obviously).

Normally whilst on the treadmill I am paranoid of the other gym users looking at me, wondering what they are thinking as they see me sweating my way through my work out.

But today I didn't care. It's amazing how much confidence even the tiniest bit of weightloss can give you. I have my goal in my head at the moment. And that's all that I need to keep me going. I'm doing this for me and nobody else.

Sunday, 12 February 2012

12. Who Dah Man?

Quite often when I am in a relationship I find people I know, and people I meet asking me Whose the man of the relationship.

And In all honestly it drives me insane. I find myself stating the obvious...
Well actually we are both women, ya know, hence us being lesbians. Haven't you noticed we are two girls. Holding hands.

If they fail to see that a quick flash of the breast is sure to clear it up right?

I know its question that possibly many same sex couples face, or a variant of. And I it is my own personal reasons why it annoys me.

What exactly do they mean when asking this question? And more so why are they asking this question? Maybe it's because on the questioners mind, in order to make sense of a gay relationship they need to put it on terms to a straight relationship? Sure I understand that within a relationship one may be more butch than the other, and one may be more "stereotypical" than the other. But that doesn't necessarily mean one is the man.

I have met many a straight couple where it could be percieved that the woman is the man or trouser wearer of the relationship. But I'm sure if I was to ask them who is the man I would get some quite perplexed looks shot in my direction, as it wouldn't be socially acceptable for me to ask this.

Saturday, 11 February 2012

11. Aches & Pains

I am aching.

Aching like I would never believe it.

Aching in places I didn't even realise could actually ache.

I went to the gym yesterday, I was there for a fair amount of time too, and was ever so proud of myself. I covered approximately 10km on various Cardio equipment. And then went on to do some strength and endurance training.

I worked on the Arms for a little, and then the legs. Then a piece of equipment caught my eye, well I lie, I'd seen it before but It had never been free. But this time it was free.

I'm not even sure of the name of it, it could be Dip/Chin assisted machine, it may very well not be. Basically you use your body weight, and the weights of the machine to counteract your weight, then the weights what is left over is the weight you are working with. (I Think that's right or at least it sounds right in my head)

Easy I thought. So I set it up to what I thought was correct at the time. Got onto the kneeling pallet, reached up (I'd decided to try do some chin ups).

All of a sudden, I was dangling as if swinging on monkey bars at the park. I had obviously done it wrong. After a few more tries with various weights for both the dips and the chin ups I managed to get the right one for me.

It was quite a fun piece of equipment. But I am feeling the strain on my arms today!! I feel as though I have been supporting my entire body weight on a pole via my arm pits for 24 hours.


Is not the word!


Friday, 10 February 2012

10. I'm...

I like rainbows. I have short hair. I wear  boys clothes. I do wear girls clothes too. I game. I swear. I drink beer. I drink whiskey. I love to go shopping. I love musicals. I love glee. I believe in relationships. I wear make up. I am a tom boy. I have piercings. I have tattoos. I go to the gym. I love camp songs (Court of King Caratacus style). I have a wallet. I have a purse

I don't hate men. I don't have one night stands. I don't know every gay person in my city. I'm not full of my self. I don't like girly things. I'm not the worlds best cook. I don't love sports.I am scared of spiders and other creepy crawly like things.

I like, and don't like all these things not because I am a lesbian... But because they define who I am, and I am...

I guess what I'm trying to say with the above ramble is don't stereotype. I am what I am because of who I am. Not because I am lesbian, although some of these things may be typically seen as stereotypes of the LGBTQ community, that is not why I like or dislike the. It's just coincidental.

Thursday, 9 February 2012

09. Race For Life

I've decided that this year is the year I will do Race for Life.

Not just because it is on my DayZero list, but also because it will also help me to achieve some of the other tasks within it. I cant actually sign up to it until my next payday, the entrance fee is now £15, which has gone up substantially since I last took part. Once I am finally signed up I will be attempting to raise money for it also. (I'll add a link to the donation page once I start it - Just in case any of you fancy donating)
For those of you who don't know, and cannot be bothered to click on the link supplied. Race for life is a 5k course which you can walk, jog or run. All the money raised goes towards Cancer Research UK.

By doing Race for life, not only will I be completing the Race for life task of my DayZero list, but I'll also be completing the raise money for charity, and it will also help me with getting into Running/Jogging and in theory Lose weight. So effectively killing 4 birds with one stone.

I was planning on attempting to train by doing 2 hours cardio a day, but have been told by a friend that I should go for distance and heart rate rather than time. Followed by
220 - age is max heart rate. Then various %s do different things. 70-80% max heart rate  to build cardio. 50-70% to burn fat.

Who the hell would of thought that there was maths to be applied to being fit?

So plan for the rest of the night will be looking for training plans and the what not.

Wednesday, 8 February 2012

08. Stationary

For as long as I can remember I have had an obsession with stationary. I must have spent hundreds, possibly thousands of pounds over the years on it.

One of my favorite parts of the school year (apart from breaking off school for the summer) was going out to buy the stationary I would need for the next year. I would often even do this before the end of the first week of summer break.

If I go missing in a supermarket, you can guarantee I am either down the gadget aisle, or more likely just stood staring at the stationary.

Pass me a brochure from staples or viking direct and it could be easily be mistaken that I had been given a porno mag of semi clad beautiful women. (I kid, obviously I am not that bad, but I am very content for a large amount of time)

I have no idea why I am like this. It's just the way I have always been. I was once told by a Nurse I worked with whilst a student that obsessions with stationary shows an organised mind.

I had a massive clear out a few weeks ago. And reluctantly threw many a notebook and pen away. In an attempt to declutter my room. There were dozens, some full, some semi full, some I hadn't even used (I didn't throw these away, I gave them away to people who may use them). I actually somewhat regret this decision to throw them out now. Oh well my collection is slowly rebuilding itself.

You can guarantee I always have a pen and notepad on me. Simply because you never know when you may need to jot something down.  There are 2 I specifically always have on me. One for work. Where I jot down whats happening on the shift so when it comes to writing the daily reports, If I have forgotten anything its only a read away.

I also have a general notebook I carry about. My little black, that isn't black book. For my general listings (yes I tend to write in lists) within My little black, that isn't black book are several ideas for blog posts.

Although I don't actually know the where about's of this book is at the moment. And it does have several ideas in for posts. Hence the reason I have ended up writing an entire post on stationary. I am mourning the loss of my little black,  that isn't black book. (It's actually Blue. Just in case you are wondering)

Tuesday, 7 February 2012

07. Coming Out

I actually don't remember all that much about coming out to my family. From what I can remember, I was about 18/19 and decided to throw it mid argument with the woman about something barely related, and it just went from there.

The Girl (My little sister) who would of been about 12/13 at the time went on to tell the boy, who at the time was about 6/7, that I had a disease called homosexuality. He would barely talk, touch or come near me for about 2 weeks.

I had the usual from the woman.
You've had boyfriends.

Yes, Mother, but this was a cover up, a front. I didn't accept that I was a lesbian myself.
What I didn't tell her is that I was generally paralytically drunk when it came to anything sexual with boys, or that I often imagined it was a girl on top of me. I felt this bit was best kept out.

It's because there is too much of it on TV.

Why yes mother, now a days there is a lot of gay related things on the TV, but I can assure you my watching of Buffy the Vampire Slayer's Willow and Tara kissing did not turn me gay.
In actual fact it just turned me on.
It's just a phase, if you lose a bit of weight and dress more girly. You'll be attracted to boys.

No Mother, its not that. I am actually attracted to women. The way I dress, nor my weight has anything to do with my sexual preference.
Yes, I'm uncomfortable in my body. Thanks for reminding me.

It's because you got bullied at school. They have made you believe you are gay.

No mother. I was simply in denial.

Now let me divulge a little in this theory of hers.

At school whilst I was in my 3rd year of high school. I had a group of friends which I used to hang around with. Two of these friends are still very close and very dear to me. One of them I talk to when I see her. And the other 2 I am not even sure what they are doing now.

One of the two I no longer speak to basically "bullied" me. She would continuously put me down, call me names. And spread round the school that I was a lesbian and that I fancied one of the female teachers (as it happens I did fancy the teacher, but I just thought I looked up to her). At the time I was in fact a huge homophobe. I despised the thought of gay people. And didn't want to be singled out at school. So I acted up on it. Rebelled. Was a little shit.

Now I am older, and like to think wiser. It turns out the reason I was so homophobic is because I was a self hater, I was in denial. I did in fact fancy that teacher, and not as I put it look up to her. I understand that I was trying to cover up my feelings for this teacher by calling it something different. I acted up in order to be sent to see this teacher to receive my telling off, or in reality, to be alone with her.

I had previously, as I called it really looked up to Christina Ricci when younger. I see now that I fancied the ass off her. I was obsessed in fact.

I made a new group of friends, and we are all very much friends now. And I think I came out to them when I was about 16. They wasn't phased at all by it. I think they wondered why I had defended my heterosexuality so much. But to my recollection none of them have ever actually questioned me on this.

I feel blessed to have these friends in my life still now, even though we don't see one another as much as I would like. But I know we will be friends for a long time to come.

Monday, 6 February 2012

06. Slush

Don't ya just hate slush!

And I'm not talking about the drinks, because the previous statement would just be wrong, cause I love slushies!

I'm talking about the mucky, grey, muddy stuff that is prominent in winter.

Yes. The stuff that comes after snow. It is because of slush why I dislike snow in my old age. Yes snow is all white and pretty. And I love the feel and sound it makes when I walk on a fresh bit of snow. Although weirdly enough this sound also makes me want to grit my teeth. I love it before it starts melting into the previously mentioned slush.

So the snow melting turns into slush, then the freezing temperature turns the slush into... huge blocks of ice.

Walking to work this morning was no fun at all, in between slipping on the slush and skidding on the blocks of ice, I was also trying to dodge the disgusting water residue left behind. I wasn't doing to bad at this, in fact. I did remarkably well getting to work in once piece. Feet slightly sodden where the dreaded stuff had seeped through my footwear. I was quite proud of myself.

Worked Passed. Luckily. And considering it was my first early in ages it went quite well and things, undoubtedly hadn't changed all that much. We were short staffed, once again, but plodded through, each break was a very welcome one to get into the cold air. I've got this theory, which I am often called for by a friend, that it's never that cold when its snowed. I stand by it. I managed to get through each of my breaks with no coat or jacket, and just my hat on.

2.30pm finally came and I had to cancel my plan of going to the gym in order to go home to let the boy (my brother) in as he had forgotten his keys. So I rushed home in the hazardous slushiness, and again although near running it made it home in one piece. EXCELLENT.

Guess which smart arse had also forgot her keys? Yes that would be me.

Also guess which smart arse managed to slip in the sludge as I paced the garden waiting for the woman (my mother).

Yes that would also be me.

Sunday, 5 February 2012

05. Winding Down

At the start of writing this post I finished work 1 and a half hours ago.

I am due back on shift at 7 am in morning. I cannot remember the last time I worked the early shift..

To be prepared for this shift I will need to be getting up at about 5.30 - 5.45am.

I am shocking at getting up early. Terrible in fact. And I dread the quick shift change.

I work majority late shifts, with 10pm finishes, it doesn't bother me so much working the late shifts, in fact I prefer it. The staff are much better to work with then the morning staff. The only good thing about morning shifts is after 2:30pm you have the rest of the day to yourself.

The only thing that bugs me about the late shift is the inability to wind down after a shift, often its normally 2am or later before I am fully relaxed after the late shift, and feel able to get to sleep.

I have tried many things to try and enhance my winding down, but most just tend to wake me up more. It doesn't help that my mind is more active on a night either. It's when I feel my most awake, my best ideas and what not coming in the wee hours that many are snoozing away. Even when I am tired and find myself going to bed, which is considered early for me, I find that once laid in bed, I find my self waking up.

I often think this could be because other than work, at the moment my life lacks routine. Something I do enjoy having. I like to know whats happening and when.

Saturday, 4 February 2012

04. What's you type?

Often when playing the dating game, or the getting to know girls better stage I have come across this question. Or even been asked it by straight girls who want you to fancy them. (see yesterdays post)

Either way, which ever situation, most of the time I find myself stumbling to answer it. I find that if it's a girl who is interested in me, but I am not so much into them I find myself attempting to describe the entire opposite of what they are.

But really, now I have thought about it, deep down I don't particularly have a "type" that I go for. I like the general things such as a good sense of humor, being able to hold a conversation. Those types of things.

And in all honestly, when being asked what is my type I often wonder if they are asking what kind of lesbian am I into, as in fem, butch etc. Or what type of personalities do I go for? Maybe this is why I stumble when answering this question.

I do tend to prefer the more feminine girls, but I would never swear off a tom boy or butch. At the end of the day it's the personality that wins me over.

Friday, 3 February 2012

03. Do You Fancy Me?

I came out once to a straight girl friend at work. For the purpose we will call her, Katie. She didn't take the ewww approach that I assumed she would. In fact it was quite the opposite. (I'm not saying I expect everyone to take the anti gay approach, but she was the type of person you'd think would be anti gay, lets just say she wasn't the most open minded person).

So here I was with Katie, a few years my junior, absolutely fascinated with knowing a gay person. She would ask me all types of questions. I answered them, as truthfully as I could.

Then one day that question came "Do you fancy me then? What about [insert name here] or [insert name here]". I told Katie the truth. No I didn't fancy her, and asked her "Do you fancy every bloke you look at?". She told me she didn't, and there was a long pause. I thought that the conversation had ended.

How wrong was I. Katie continued to attempt to flirt with me daily. "Do you fancy me yet?". No. She tried harder and harder with her flirting attempts each day as she tried to persuade me into fancying her. Even down to grabbing my breasts or my arse. Now if I would of done this to one of the female syaff at work would it of been seen as sexual harassment? Either way it wasn't working, and you could almost see the frustration in Katie's face.

"But why don't you fancy me?"

I don't think that Katie could apprehend the fact that I didn't have anything more that a friendship attraction to her.

She started asking me "What's your type then?". I thought about this, and described  the entire opposite to Katie. When home later that night I rethought about it. And I had told Katie an entire load of bollocks to try get her to slow down her rejected flirting attempts.

It didn't work. She continued to flirt until she no longer worked for the company. I often wondered if Katie was maybe curious about her sexuality, but then at the same time, I think it was more so cause she wanted, actually really wanted me to fancy her

Thursday, 2 February 2012

02. Gym

As part of my DayZero project, I said I was going to rejoin a gym. So I did it.

After much consideration I decided to join the local council run gym. It's small but is more then suffice for my needs as they currently stand. It's cheap, and I can use any of the council leisure centres too. And best of all its in walking distance, so no forking out for buses to and from the gym. I wont even have to rush if I am due at work as it is not far from their either.

The gym I had previously been a member of had all the latest equipment, and was cheap at £20 per month and was open 24/7. The only downside is that it is miles away from where I am currently living and has no pool, which sucks as I would like to eventually start swimming when I feel a bit more body conscious.

I'm starting off slowly at the moment to try and get into it again, and with my current leg injury, which I am in the process of trying to sort out, it's probably best to keep it at a slow pace for the time being.

I have also recently changed one of my DayZero project tasks (yes I am allowed to no where did I state they are set in stone) to take up running/jogging. Along side this I may start a new blog. or at least a new section of this blog names "Run Fat Girl Run". Just so I can post general fitness and what not related posts.

No longer will I be the couch potato that I have been.

"Run Fat Girl, Run!!"

Wednesday, 1 February 2012

01. White Rabbits x3

Morning BlogBuddies

So today is 1st February 2012. Have you remembered to say White Rabbits, White Rabbits, White Rabbits? For those of you who may not know, its meant to bring Good Luck.

Anyway, today is the month I am attempting to blog everyday as part of my DayZero Project. I have chosen February simply because it is the shortest month, so there will be lest post's needed, therefore making this task slightly easier, in theory. Albeit a leap year which I had forgotten about so for the next 29 days I will be frantically trying to think of a post for everyday.

"White Rabbits, White Rabbits, White Rabbits"

Wish me luck.