Sunday, 25 November 2012

How things change....

In such a short length of time, I am no longer at the gym, no longer with the girlfriend and no longer working. I hate not being at the gym or working.

I am however currently at college doing a short course of Health and Social care. It's more of an update for me then anything but I am absolutely loving it. I have met some pretty amazing people whilst on this course, and hope to stay in touch with most of them.

In theory, if this course was being done in its regular ways it would be a year long, but this is squeezed into 6 weeks. So I will be finishing it in 3/4 weeks.

Things are pretty crazy at the moment, not as in busy bee style but crazy none the less.....

Thursday, 16 August 2012

Gym Revisited

After months of not going to the gym, I have finally started to get back into going. Why did I stop? because I started dating someone. I'm a buggar for stopping with things when I am in the early start of a relationship.
Although recently I have been getting down about my periods of inactivity, and the feeling that I am getting bigger again. My Girlfriend says I am not, but I feel otherwise. So I started going back to the gym. I'm paying for it so I may as well use it right?

I have been everynight this week, party because I am home alone, and I like to be around people, even if I'm not particularly socialising with them, they are there if I so wish to choose to talk to them.

Anyway. the main thing being I'm back at gym and slowly getting back into it. Fingers crossed for no further set backs.

I've also officially started my new job, but I'll hold up maybe a month or so before posting how I feel about it.

Friday, 10 August 2012

Hanolympics 2012

It was my friends 24th Birthday yesterday, and in true H style it was themed. It started at 4.30pm with a British Tea theme, that of sandwhiches, quiche and scones/buns.

Then there was games, obviously, it was the olympics. 3 legged race, sprinting, egg and spoom, welly wanging, wheel barrow race.

Oh god I thought, it's going to be school sports day all over again.

But it was actually loads of fun.

My Partner in crime and I triumped in the tug of war, going undeafeted to get the gold medal, much to H's brother (a weight trainer) dismay.

We ended the games with a girls vs boys competition of tug of war....

Girls winning obviously, again to the guys dismay.

The evening that followed included drinking games and olympic related drinking fun.

Another Bash tomorrow should be just as fun, as yet again, we prepare to say goodbye to one another

Saturday, 4 August 2012

New Horizons Ahead - Ish

I recently went for a job interview, in fact I have recently been to a few job interviews. I always manage to suck at them, I start to stutter and stammer and just come over too nervous. Also one of the jobs I had applied for I was nowhere near experienced enough, I applied for it just so I could say I tried. I didn't expect to actually be called into an interview. Needless to say, my nervous bumbling blew that one.
So anyway, in the past 3 weeks, I have applied for about 40 jobs, in fact its highly likely to be closer to 50.  Out of this 40-50 vacancies I applied for, I have heard back from maybe 6/7?

It really annoys me that they don't get back to you, a simple sorry you are not suitable for the post would be quite suffice, but no, your left sitting and wondering if they actually received your email/post.
Anyway, today I received a job offer, it's for a Residential Home again. I was trying to get out of the care industry, but I find most jobs require you to have some kind of experience in the field. Either way it's a job non the same and will get me out of the current Home from Hell.

It seems a nice enough home, well decorated (considering the lack of funds homes have) and there wasn't the usual smells which you often find in these places. The Assistant manger seems friendly, and one of my oldest friends working there which is a bonus. And if she is still there after a year and a half, it can't be half bad. I haven't recieved a start date yet, but I have been asked to go on tuesday to fill in a CRB form.

I can't wait to hand my notice in!!!


Wednesday, 18 July 2012

DayZero Update

Well I had a read through my DayZero Project list the other day, cause I hadn't look at it in so long I actually forgot what my tasks are.

Anyway upon browsing it it turned out I had done so many of them without even realising. So with a quick edit, I have 81 tasks left to do.

I have about 713 days left to do them which means I would have to complete 1 task every 9 days. (or every 8.8024691358024691358024691358025 days to all you who like exact numbers)

In theory it would prove easy, if it wasn't for my tasks which involve financial matters. I am the worst ever person when it comes to money, it "burns a hole in my pocket" (what a stupid saying).

It looks as though I could well be failing this project.

Monday, 16 July 2012

I'm still around... somewhere...

It's been forever and a day since my last actual post.

Well actually it's been 97 days, or if you include my reblog its 95.

Either way its been a while. I'd like to say its because I have been out and got a life, and this is actually somewhat true, but the actual reason I haven't blogged for sometime is because I am actually bamboozled.

As my last post might suggest I have been troubled by writers block of late. *HISS*

Even now as I write this I have no idea where I am going with the post. I think of one thing to say, and in the next breath I have forgotten what it was.

The past 2 months have gone pretty fast, I've started seeing someone, infact its 2 months tomorrow that we have been together. Gym has totally gone out the window of late too. So I must get back on that too. ASAP!

I have also been having futher troubles at work. Meh. Maybe theres a future blog post in this?

Hopefully I'll be back on it soon.*Fingers crossed*

Tuesday, 10 April 2012

Irrational Fears

So in my last post I touched upon my fear of needles and injections. It's a fear I have had for as long as I can remember. I'm shuddering at the thought of them as I type this post.

This fear for me is totally irrational. Mainly because in my Student Nursing days I could quite happily pull myself together enough in order to inject a patient (Thankfully). I have also got tattoo's in the past. Not quite the same as an injection, but this is one thing that gets thrown at me by Nurse's.
"If you can get tattoo's surely you can stand an injection?"

My reply generally consists of:-
"Getting a tattoo isn't delving a 3/4inch needle into my body to inject foreign substances or steal my blood!"

I usually tend to win with this and hear nothing more about the matter.

So any rate, I'd pretty much managed to train myself out of this fear. Or so I thought.

One night I'd been "dreaming" about having to give the dog his injection. I'd done it fine in the past. (The dog is an insulin dependant diabetic and needs injections twice a day). Anyway in this dream whilst injecting the dog I had managed to have some major accident with the syringe and ended up nearly on deaths door (god knows what I was injecting him with).

I woke up after this dream, and instantly knew my fears had come back, maybe even threefold. Shortly after my mobile phone started calling and it was Mother. For some reason I instantly knew what it was about.
"Can you do me a favour and give the dog...."
"No mum I can't"
"I can't Mother I'll collapse."

She left it at that, when she got home she gave him his injection, and then proceeded to pick me up off the floor.

So it was back. The fear I thought I had grown out of.

Question. Do we ever actually grow out of fears?

If anything I have more fears through getting older. Take butterflies and moths for instance? I once 15 or so years a go (Oh Lord! Old!)  used to run after them and catching them in my bare hands. Then I grew fearful of them. This I think is a learnt fear. My childhood best friend whom was a few years older than me was absolutely terrified off moths/Butterflies. I used to see him shit his self, and I followed suit. It has been conditioned in to me to be scared of them, and right now I just cannot shake the fear of them.

I remember when my brother was younger (about 4 or 5), my mum and I took him into what I believe to be a green house, this green house was actually a butterfly house.

I don't think I have ever screamed so loud in public before, or run out of somewhere so fast. Luckily, my brother didn't learn this fear from me.

He has how ever seem to of learnt a fear of water through my younger sister.

Friday, 6 April 2012

Dental Nightmare

So it would seem history does indeed have a habit of repeating itself. In this instance I am talking about having a long unannoucned haitus from blogging. I don't even fully know why I have been away for so long. A whole month to be exact!

I managed to complete another task on the dayzero project.

I have always been on the outlook for a new dentist. I don't like the thought of having minging teeth. Only I have had one major thing stopping me find one sooner. The usual fear of the dentists chair. The other week I HAD to find a dentist and ASAP. One of my back lower wisdom tooth had litterally crumbled (Fun Fact: Wisdom teeth have less enamal [souce: My dentist]) so I registered for one that had been recommended to me by several people.

On arriving to my appointment all the staff where ever so friendly which helped to ease the the situation.

The Dentist herself, yes I have a female dentist, a some what beautiful one too. Was also very nice and even said "we aren't all mean". So she looked into my mouth and wanted to take the wisdom tooth out there and then.

I think she could tell that I wasnt too keen on that idea. Firstly, and I had explained this to here that it was the first appointment to dentist I have ever attended alone, it was only a few days before that I had dragged Mother to the doctors with me as they wanted to take bloods. I need support. Literally need it. Or I may end up in a heap n the floor. Not only that but to have it taken out would cost nigh £50. £50 I couldn't really afford right there and then. The main reason though was needing the support of someone holding my hand whilst the procedure took place. So we opted for the filling choice.
Lay back, open your mouth, closure eyes and relax.

I did as I was told.
Just a little prick now.

WHAT!?!? I was still having to endure a needle in my mouth. I quivered, my lips moving at what must of been the speed of light, almost like when a cartoon character is on a fair ground ride and their lips are being blown everywhere from the speeds.

The dental assistant grabbed my hand, as my eyes began to roll. I think if it had not been for the fact I was sat in the chair.

Small chit chat happened as we waited for my mouth to go numb. Just the general bollocks you talk about in awkward situations.

I laid back down, with my all new pair of blue visors on to protect my eyes from the enamal that she was about to grind down in my mouth. 5 mins into the procedure the drill stopped dead and the dentist went "oh".

Not something you want to hear a Dentist to say!

After 5 minutes of fumbling with the machines and 2 more attempts, they decided we had to change rooms.

I started to panic incase I needed another injection. She assured me I wouldn't. Several times.

It's an irrational fear really that I have of needles. A future post in the making maybe.

Anyway after changing rooms the rest of the procedure went without any further glitches. I have to go back this month sometime for a proper examination as they treat this one as an emergency, touchwood I've had no problems with the new filling. I just hope that it holds. Cause if not I will need it removing completely. I think if it wasn't for the beautifulnes of my dentist, I would of been put of completely from going again. Watch my next appoinment be with some old man!!


Saturday, 3 March 2012

Kinda Successful

So my blog post everday was successful.Kinda.

Apart from maybe 1 or 2 late entries, and a few technical glitches. I managed to post 29 consecutive posts. It's safe to say it's been quite an experience, and I have quite enjoyed it in someways. But thinking of a topic for everday is not easy. In fact its far from it. Especially when you live a mundane life like myself.

I don't understand how this guy (geofortean) has managed to do it everday since the begining of 2011 and with such style too. You should go check his blog out.

I wonder if he used to spend large amounts of his day wondering what to blog?

Is it kind of wierd that I kinda miss the blogging everyday?


Wednesday, 29 February 2012

29. Confusion is not the word.

So I posted the other day about up coming date I was going on to cinema.

It went really well. Both parts agreed to this.

Then 2 days later she tells me she is confused and not ready, and that it's not fair on me. Fair enough. At least she told me now rather than later when attachments had started to form. What is really confusing though is she is the one what put all the moves on in the cinema.

She also texted previous to cinema saying she liked me, misses me and that she was jealous that I text another Lesbian we both know of.

I can't comment though, as much as my friends are saying she is playing me etc, I don't know her situation fully to comment. From what I can gather, her only female relationship was with someone who was in a relationship. So yes technically she was the other woman. And I think she was pretty much played.

I think what bothers me more is
"The age old It's not you it's me is so true right now".

I have used that before. But I asked her truthfully, and she said it was the truth and I have no reason to doubt her.

Apparently her head is fucked up. But whose isn't in this current world? Especially within the lesbian community. I think part of the criteria to be a lesbian is to be a little "fucked up".


Tuesday, 28 February 2012

28. Night Shifts

So, I'm on night shifts this week again. Oh and next week.

Last time I ever give the kindness of my heart and offer to help out. I don't even know why I did it cause I knew if I gave them an inch they would take a mile.

Say something and all I am likely to get is "Oh but the Managing Director said if you don't do...[insert sentence here]".

But I am Not the only member of staff at this establishment! Why can't any of the others do it. Also is the managing director aware that I actually had a period of sickness back up from a note from the doctor stating certain restrictions on my shifts?

It annoys me too, because this week I have sunday off, but technically I don't cause working saturday night stretches 7 hours into Sunday, so in my books it is far from a day off. Plus I'll probably spend the majority of the day sleeping trying to catch up and prepare for my day shift the next day. Surely doing Days and nights is illeagel. If it's not it certainly should be!!

That is all today really. Not much to say. The mix of working nights and days is tiring me.


Monday, 27 February 2012

27. Online to real life

I'm going on a date tomorrow night with a girl I met on a local dating site 3 years ago. A few months after we started chatting on this we bumped into each other at the local gay. We shared a drunken kiss, but remained text buddies.

I've always text her when I need a smile and she always manages to make me smile. We have always got on, and even have always "pet" names for one another. I liked her, but didn't know her. Although it is surprising how well you can get to know people through texts.

We met up last Wednesday for drinks, a couple of games of pool and even ended up getting a bite to eat. We got on like a house on fire. She was so genuine and exactly how I thought she would be.

When the end of the night came I had to try my hardest to resist kissing her, just in case she didn't feel the same way.

Text I received later that night:

The thought of kissing you cannot escape my mind.

Turns out she felt the same way. The next day she came round for for a cup of tea, upon her leaving we shared our first sober kiss, I was excited, nervous and nauseous all at the same time.

We are going to cinema tomorrow. I max do the sneak arm on shoulder movement. (you all know the one)


Sunday, 26 February 2012

26. Facebook

I think the majority of people out there have facebook these days. It's become the norm to have one. So much so that when out at a pub or club or other places, and you catch someones eye.
What used to be the classic:
Can I have your number?

Has now changed to:
Whats your name on facebook?

I have a love hate relationship with facebook. I hate it for many a reason. In real life would I actually talk to half the people I have on my "friends" list? No. Would I walk down the street and shove pictures of my wasted self in their faces? No. Would I randomly go around poking people I barely know? Erm... No. Would I go round to their house and graffitti on their wall? Again... No.

But I love how it passes so much time. Hours in fact.

The new timeline feature is strange too. Infact I wish this aspect of my life was more like Facebook. What do I mean? I mean the fact that you can go to an "event/memory" and delete it from facebooks existance. And also the ability to block people from your life would come in ever so handy.


Saturday, 25 February 2012

25. 10 Years from now...

So last night whilst at work I completed another DayZero task.

To write a letter to myself and open it in 10 years. I actually found it really hard to do.
Just what exactly do you write to yourself?

Was a little strange if truth be told. The idea came from when I started secondry school in 1999, out form tutor told us to write ourselves a letter which he was going to keep until our last day of our last year in 2004. We all wrote one, but we never did get them back.

All I have to do now is seal it and put it in a safe area. But not the kind of safe area where its so safe it can never be found again. (I suspect this is what my tutor had done).

I'm on a night shift again tonight, and have very little sleep.

Family are on amber alert for crankiness tomorrow.

Friday, 24 February 2012

24. Night Shifts

At work I have agreed to help out over the next fortnight as one of the members of staff is on sick. So for the next few weeks I am on 3 night shifts and 2 day shifts. (I'm nice like that you see, helping out, even though I know I wont get any thanks for it)

Night's probably wouldn't be so bad, if it wasn't for the fact that I love my bed. Actually Love it. By no means am I lazy, but I love nothing more than lounging on my bed with a good book, or watching TV, or gaming. Or even just chilling with friends. (The curse of living with Mother again means I no longer have a full flat to entertain my friends).

They also wouldn't be too bad if it wasn't for the fact that they screw my already screwed up body clock. Once coming of nights it will take me a long long time to get it do my regular screwed up sleep pattern. That's if the staff member returns, because no doubt I will be put upon to continue doing the nights until her return.

I fell for this before. I ended up doing stupid amounts of hours a week (sometimes 5 nights and 1 day shift) in order to help out, this went on for about 6 months and ended up making me quite ill.

Bah. I can already see it happening :/

Thursday, 23 February 2012

23. When is it official?

Out of pure curiousity when does dating/seeing somebody become official?

Is it verbally agreed by both parts? or does it just become something more after a certain period of time.

I have never really done the whole dating/courting thing, stupidly I have always gone straight into a relationship to later find we are not compatible. So this time I want to do it properly.

There is just one thing that potentiall puts me off dating. What if while said dating is happening I become very good friends with said person and then become scared to make it official at the possibility of previously mentioned friendship being lost forever.

I suppose there are pros and cons for it. AS there are with just about everything.

(BTW she's quite amazing)

Wednesday, 22 February 2012

22. Baking Day... FAIL

As all my regular BlogBuddies are aware by now, I work in a car home for the elderly. Sometimes I like my job, other times I detest it.

At my current place of work my extended roll is that of "Activities Co0rdinator and Manager", this basically means I am Captain Fun. Great job you make think.


Entertaining the elderly is possibly one of the hardest things imaginable, they moan and complain about everything. Everything. Unless it involves Television, Sleep or food they are just not interested.

So one day I was thinking what I could do with my little old dears. Food....? Haha! Baking Day.

So I did a baking session one day. 6 of the residents were interested in taking part. (Believe me this is a high number of interests!) Excellent I thought. Something different from bingo, and not a demeaning as colouring in! So I got the ingrediants to make Cheese Scones, Short bread and Buns (Normal and Gluten Free)

One of the 6 fells asleep whilst kneading the dough for the scones. One minute she was awake, chatting away about her childhood days of baking, the next she was hard on asleep!

One sat and stared with pure confusion, turns out she had never baked in her entire life.

One just got on with it, the way she always does. The other walked away off never to return again.

The two remaining had to be escourted away from one another. Turns out Lady 1 didn't agree with the other lady's method, after general bickering (the norm within care homes) Lady 1 decided to show lady 2 just how much she disagreed with her method by reinforcing her belief with a rolling pin. Luckily she missed!

Safe to say that was the end of baking day

Tuesday, 21 February 2012

21. Tweet Tweet

Today I was thinking about when I was younger, and some of the memories I have of my youth... (There are several, more may follow in the future.)

This one in particular I must of been about 12 years old, and my 2 best friends at the time where my neighbours, 2 brothers, who lived next door but one. One was 2 years my senior, the other about 4.

We would spend everyday together, especially myself and the younger of the 2 brothers. We were unseperable. 2 peas in a pod. We used to have many a sleep over.

So anyway this one particular year, we found a chick which had fallen out of its nest and was laid half dead on the concrete, slowly cooking away as the concrete was so hot from the sun.We took it upon our selfs to take the chick home. We had put it in an icecream tub with a "nest" we had made between us from various objects that we had found in the street.

We took it in turn feeding the bird bread soaked in milk, which we tentively gave it with a pair of tweezers the boys father had given us to use. We also gave it drinks from a pipet, which I think was from someones microscope set, I forget which one of us. We even dug for worms and cut them into small pieces to feed it.

When it was time for bed, we decided to keep the chick in my shed, due to it being warm in there, and the fact that none of our parents would allow us to bring the "flea bitten thing" into the house. Each one of us protested to our parents that they must let us bring it in our house as it needed night time feeding and looking after. We was really taking our roles of Vet/Bird mother serious, but alais neither of our parents would allow us.

So off we went to bed, all of use worrying about our poor little chick. The next day as soon as I woke up I went straight to the shed to go check on the chick, the boys must of been having the same thought cause as I was going out in my pyjamas the boys were on their way across in theirs. We held our breath as we opened the door, all of us hoping it had made it.

It had.

Over the next few days our lives revolved around this chick, and progress was being made as by the 5th day the bird was looking chirpyier (bad yoke... sorry Joke).

We was all so proud of our selfs, and decided between us all that the best place for the chick now would be to go to vets, surely they would help it back into the wild...?

So off we pottered, Ice Cream tub in tow, showing our little "miracle" to any friends we had passed. We said our goodbyes, each of us holding and stroking the chick, and dropped chick at the vets (one of our parents had already called and arranged with the vets about it coming in).

The next day I begged and begged my mum to call to see how chick was, after over an hour of my constant nagging she gave in.

Never in a million years did I expect her to tell me that Chick had died during the night.... I was absolutely shocked and devestated at the news. I cried my little eyes out. I just couldn't believe that we, 3 children, had managed to keep the bird alive for 5 days, 1 night at the vets and it had died. Apparently it never stood a chance.

This is when, I decided I didn't want to be a vet anymore.

Monday, 20 February 2012

20. Man Crushes

I'm not going to deny it. Personally I think a lot of lesbians have the odd man crush. They just don't admit it. Why? I can only imagine its because within the community if it seems a lesbian is looking at the opposite sex they get the stink eye, frowned upon so to speak.

In my local lesbian community it seems that lesbians tend to get suscpious of lesbians who admit they have crushes on guys. I can only assume that this is because lesbians are suspicious of Bisexual women toyying with their emotions before ditching them for a guy. (This is obviously much more heartbreaking than being left for another woman - NOT!!)

So anyway, the other day I was discussing my Man Crushes with my mother and gay boy, N.
Mum: I thought you was a lesbian?
Me: Yes?
Mum: But how are you if you fancy guys?
Me: It's called a Man crush mother, no doubt N gets Girl Crushes too.
Mum: *disbelieving* Do you N?
N: Yeah.
Mum: I don't understand it...
Me: It's no different to you fancying Pink! thats your girl crush.
Mum: I don't fancy Pink!, I just really really like her.
Me: Mum you nearly orgasm when she's on tele.

*Everyone Laughs*

So anyway, revealing my current Man Crushes...

Far Left: Carlos Solis, from desperate housewives. With the goatee if you please.

Left: Will Smith, I've always had a thing for him, and he just seems to get better looking as he gets older.

I have guy crushes, and I'm not ashamed to admit it.

Sunday, 19 February 2012

19. Two Days Gone

What's the best way to lose 2 days? I'm on about a "constructive" loss of 2 days here. Not the loss of 2 days through the taking part in binge drinking.

It's quite simple really. Do a night shift.

In order to prepare myself for a night shift I find myself sleeping on and off throughout the day, trying to reserve my energy so the speak. I know this is probably the worst way for me to prepare myself for the mental torture that is a night shift. But I find myself doing it anyway.

From 7pm I find myself clock watching until the time is to set off for work. I get to work. Normally just in time, and I am kicking and screaming inside for agreeing to do it.

Work begins.

I start feeling sick around 4 am. So I will maybe have a bite to eat to replenish myself.

7am comes. Home time. I find myself struggling to walk home. I get home. oh look. I have got my second wind and I am often awake until 9 am, sometimes later.

Normally I would sleep for a few hours and then try and force myself to stay awake until bedtime. Trying to get the body clock semi normal again (my body clock is far from normal at the best of times anyway)

Today however I am back at work 4pm til 10pm. Yes it's actually an illegal for me to go to work again with such a short gap between my shifts. But I am helping them out.

I'm glad I am off tomorrow. Tomorrows gonna be a killer of a day of trying to stay awake and get some energy together.

Saturday, 18 February 2012

18. That's So Gay!!

Me: Don't you just hate the way that she is always like [insert something you dislike]
Friend: Yeah, it's so Gay!!

[me - palmface]

The amount of times I have cringed when my friend has said this. It actually really infuriates me when it's said. And it's not just one friend, a few of them use the word gay as an acronym for something bad. Many a times I have stated it annoys me, but it still gets said. Sometimes I feel like going all gay in their faces with my fist. But then I find my happy place and decide against this.

Using Gay as an acronym for something that is bad, in my opinion, just reinforces some peoples opinions that being gay is bad. Maybe I should start walking around saying oh thats so straight or sooo hetro for an acronym of something that's bad? I wonder if it would catch on?

Those of you know know me well in real life, (I actually hate the fact that some of my real life friends read this blog, gives me one less place to bitch about you. I kid ;-)), will know that I am a huge YouTube whore. Rather than watching TV 9/10 times I would much rather watch a few videos on youtube.

There are several people I subscribe to on youtube. One of these is Davey Wavey. I read his blog too []. Davey Wavey is a gay guy, who is very nice on the eye too. (yes I have man crushes too)
I find him to be very inspirational, and we could all learn a lot from him, and if we was all a little more like him in life the world would definately be a far better place to live in.

Anyway, Davey Wavey recently just posted a video on the youtube about the same subject as this.No Ididn't steal his idea because I am running low. It's just coincidential. In fact, this post was in my little black, that isn't black book (I still can't find it. Maybe it's time to get a new one.)

Anyway his video post was as follows, and I couldn't of put it better myself:-


Friday, 17 February 2012

17. Gym Fail

I am a total failiure at gym this week.

Which I hate myself for because I was getting into it so much.

It comes in 2 parts. 1st part I have started back at work this week after a week off, so I am slowly trying to get back into the flow of things there. It's amazing how much things can change in Residential homes over the space of an hour, let alone after a full week.

2nd part is somehow, unbeknownst to be, I have managed to hurt my already damaged knee. I have asked several people if I had fallen over whilst drunk, all of whom have stated I didn't. The only other reasonable explanation I can give for my pain is that I overdid it at the gym whilst off, going everyday and doing 10k.

So these past few days I have been doing light exercise but not hitting the gym. And I am actually starting to miss it.The Gym that is.

I have had a knee "injury" for just over 2 years now. I say "injury" as it isnt an injury as such, it just started hurting all of a sudden and then the pain just never seemed to go. It was like someone was stabbing through my knee cap and twisting with a red hot screw driver. I decided to get it looked at professionally when the pain was starting to spread to other areas of my leg (hip, shin, ankle). I was tested for rhuemetoid arthritus, which came back clear. And then got refered to have an MRI scan. But the blizzards of 2011 prevented ne from being able to go to my appointment.

So now I have to go through the whole rigmarole of being refered to the consultant again and what not before I can even rebook the scan.

This is on my list of things to do. Hopefully this week. The sooner the better infact, because I simply cannot cope with the aches and pains of it any longer.

Thursday, 16 February 2012

16. Annual Leave Denied

One thing I hate about being a "grown up" with a "proper job". Is the fact that you have to request time off when you want to go on holidays or short breaks.

I put in for some leave today, for the last weekend in August. Now any LGBTQ person in the North of England, possibly even the whole of England know this is because its "The Big Weekend". That is Manchester Pride. I was looking forward to my 96 hours of binge drinking, I went a few years ago with some friends and it was immense. Sadly I cannot get the time of work this year to go.

We have this thing at work, which no doubt most places have, where only a certain number of staff can be off at any one time. (Obvious really as they need workers about still).

It's a good job I told N to hold off booking the hotel really, he was after doing it today, and I was going to be paying him back. It works out that this weekend, if it was going to happen, would end up costing us about £200 just for travel and accomodation. Then there is spending money, and money for new outfits too.

We are hopefully going to Ayia Napa too in September. I think I may just sugguest us going on another holiday at somepoint to soften him up. 7 days away in the sun surely should soften anyone up? Besides. It will probably end up costing the same in the long run.

I'm hopefully going to China in June time too with my sister, to go see my friend H. This annual leave request I know has been authorised. Thank god!

Wednesday, 15 February 2012

15. Dehydration

I had personal training session at the gym yesterday. I got weighed and measured. I thought this was simply going to be a tape measure round my gut etc.
Take your right sock and shoe off

What? What did she want to do with my feet? I detest feet and detest people touching my feet. A blind panic came over me, and all I could find myself thinking was god please don't sniff up. They didn't smell but still they could of.

Anyway she attached 2 sticky pads to my foot then 2 to my right hand and told me to lie down and then attached a machine to me.

This machine then went on onto analyse my lean mass, body fat, and various other fitness working outs.

One in particular was hydration levels. Turns out I am one of the most dehydrated people she has met in a long time.

So I got a lecture about having at least 2 litres a day.

Its safe to say I have had about 6 litres today, this is due to having a huge hangover from going out for a "few" drinks with my gay friend N. These few drinks turned into a 12 hour drinking session and the best valentines day I have ever had.

Who said you need to be in a relationship to celebrate it? We was a couple of queers celebrating freedom.

Tuesday, 14 February 2012

14. Have You Ever Been In Love?

Keeping in theme with lovesick day er... sorry Valentines Day (No I am not bitter, assume all you want) I thought we would talk about love. 

The otherday I went round to a friends, B, and we was discussing among other things, Love. Basically we was talking about if we had been in love.

At the time, I thought I was in love, I had even told her I loved her. But even before the end of the relationship I found myself  listening to N Dubz - Comfortable, and in particular following lyrics played over and over in my head.
Tell me if this is love, or Am I just too comfortable?

And thus I found myself questioning my apparent love of her, or if I was just comfortable. Even at the start of the relationship I think that I was just infactuated with her. I had mistaken it for love.

I think I am in love with the idea of being in love maybe?

B, said something that made a lot of sense (along the lines of)
If you had to ask yourself if you was in love with her, then you wasn't.

Makes sense really.Love is supposed to be unquestionable. I've been told this. In fact I've said this to people. And there I was questioning it.

B, also played a song to me. I cant determine how I feel about it. Upset because I know I have never felt that kind of love, or excited for when I do finally find that kind of love....

Bryan Adams 0 Have You Ever Really Loved A Woman?

Anyway... I'm spending lunch today on a GAYTE (gay date) with my gay friend, N. We are gonna play it straight.


Happy Valentines Day

Monday, 13 February 2012

13. Weight Loss Joy

I almost forgot about todays post due to being tired.  I'm so tired as the Woman dragged me and the boy food shopping for what felt like a million hours. The boy is currently in a mood with me for cooing over him choosing and sending out his first Valentines. I think he got sick of me N'awwing at him with a smile on my face. All I can think about is my little brother growing up. N'awwww. My plans tomorrow however will be gym and meeting with friends.

I went to the Gym again today. This is becoming a regular occurance in my daily routine. One which I loathed at first. I'm not the fittest or the healthiest of people out there. I'm not even the most out going.

In fact, I'm not even afraid to meet it. I'm a regular coach potato.

In the corner before the entrance is some scales. Scales scare me. They always have done. I'd like to say that this is because they lie to me once I step on them, but that's not the case. The sad thing is they tell the truth. The sad inevitable truth that is I am overweight.

Upon stepping on them today I smiled. I had lost 5lbs. I can't explain how happy I was at this, after weeks, months even of plateauing at my current weight. I was estatic with my little self.

It's safe to say that my weightloss actually made me even more determined to stick to going to the gym, and to continue with the 10k a day cardio. I've ever booked in for a personal training session for tomorrow to get a personal training programme set up (obviously).

Normally whilst on the treadmill I am paranoid of the other gym users looking at me, wondering what they are thinking as they see me sweating my way through my work out.

But today I didn't care. It's amazing how much confidence even the tiniest bit of weightloss can give you. I have my goal in my head at the moment. And that's all that I need to keep me going. I'm doing this for me and nobody else.

Sunday, 12 February 2012

12. Who Dah Man?

Quite often when I am in a relationship I find people I know, and people I meet asking me Whose the man of the relationship.

And In all honestly it drives me insane. I find myself stating the obvious...
Well actually we are both women, ya know, hence us being lesbians. Haven't you noticed we are two girls. Holding hands.

If they fail to see that a quick flash of the breast is sure to clear it up right?

I know its question that possibly many same sex couples face, or a variant of. And I it is my own personal reasons why it annoys me.

What exactly do they mean when asking this question? And more so why are they asking this question? Maybe it's because on the questioners mind, in order to make sense of a gay relationship they need to put it on terms to a straight relationship? Sure I understand that within a relationship one may be more butch than the other, and one may be more "stereotypical" than the other. But that doesn't necessarily mean one is the man.

I have met many a straight couple where it could be percieved that the woman is the man or trouser wearer of the relationship. But I'm sure if I was to ask them who is the man I would get some quite perplexed looks shot in my direction, as it wouldn't be socially acceptable for me to ask this.

Saturday, 11 February 2012

11. Aches & Pains

I am aching.

Aching like I would never believe it.

Aching in places I didn't even realise could actually ache.

I went to the gym yesterday, I was there for a fair amount of time too, and was ever so proud of myself. I covered approximately 10km on various Cardio equipment. And then went on to do some strength and endurance training.

I worked on the Arms for a little, and then the legs. Then a piece of equipment caught my eye, well I lie, I'd seen it before but It had never been free. But this time it was free.

I'm not even sure of the name of it, it could be Dip/Chin assisted machine, it may very well not be. Basically you use your body weight, and the weights of the machine to counteract your weight, then the weights what is left over is the weight you are working with. (I Think that's right or at least it sounds right in my head)

Easy I thought. So I set it up to what I thought was correct at the time. Got onto the kneeling pallet, reached up (I'd decided to try do some chin ups).

All of a sudden, I was dangling as if swinging on monkey bars at the park. I had obviously done it wrong. After a few more tries with various weights for both the dips and the chin ups I managed to get the right one for me.

It was quite a fun piece of equipment. But I am feeling the strain on my arms today!! I feel as though I have been supporting my entire body weight on a pole via my arm pits for 24 hours.


Is not the word!


Friday, 10 February 2012

10. I'm...

I like rainbows. I have short hair. I wear  boys clothes. I do wear girls clothes too. I game. I swear. I drink beer. I drink whiskey. I love to go shopping. I love musicals. I love glee. I believe in relationships. I wear make up. I am a tom boy. I have piercings. I have tattoos. I go to the gym. I love camp songs (Court of King Caratacus style). I have a wallet. I have a purse

I don't hate men. I don't have one night stands. I don't know every gay person in my city. I'm not full of my self. I don't like girly things. I'm not the worlds best cook. I don't love sports.I am scared of spiders and other creepy crawly like things.

I like, and don't like all these things not because I am a lesbian... But because they define who I am, and I am...

I guess what I'm trying to say with the above ramble is don't stereotype. I am what I am because of who I am. Not because I am lesbian, although some of these things may be typically seen as stereotypes of the LGBTQ community, that is not why I like or dislike the. It's just coincidental.

Thursday, 9 February 2012

09. Race For Life

I've decided that this year is the year I will do Race for Life.

Not just because it is on my DayZero list, but also because it will also help me to achieve some of the other tasks within it. I cant actually sign up to it until my next payday, the entrance fee is now £15, which has gone up substantially since I last took part. Once I am finally signed up I will be attempting to raise money for it also. (I'll add a link to the donation page once I start it - Just in case any of you fancy donating)
For those of you who don't know, and cannot be bothered to click on the link supplied. Race for life is a 5k course which you can walk, jog or run. All the money raised goes towards Cancer Research UK.

By doing Race for life, not only will I be completing the Race for life task of my DayZero list, but I'll also be completing the raise money for charity, and it will also help me with getting into Running/Jogging and in theory Lose weight. So effectively killing 4 birds with one stone.

I was planning on attempting to train by doing 2 hours cardio a day, but have been told by a friend that I should go for distance and heart rate rather than time. Followed by
220 - age is max heart rate. Then various %s do different things. 70-80% max heart rate  to build cardio. 50-70% to burn fat.

Who the hell would of thought that there was maths to be applied to being fit?

So plan for the rest of the night will be looking for training plans and the what not.

Wednesday, 8 February 2012

08. Stationary

For as long as I can remember I have had an obsession with stationary. I must have spent hundreds, possibly thousands of pounds over the years on it.

One of my favorite parts of the school year (apart from breaking off school for the summer) was going out to buy the stationary I would need for the next year. I would often even do this before the end of the first week of summer break.

If I go missing in a supermarket, you can guarantee I am either down the gadget aisle, or more likely just stood staring at the stationary.

Pass me a brochure from staples or viking direct and it could be easily be mistaken that I had been given a porno mag of semi clad beautiful women. (I kid, obviously I am not that bad, but I am very content for a large amount of time)

I have no idea why I am like this. It's just the way I have always been. I was once told by a Nurse I worked with whilst a student that obsessions with stationary shows an organised mind.

I had a massive clear out a few weeks ago. And reluctantly threw many a notebook and pen away. In an attempt to declutter my room. There were dozens, some full, some semi full, some I hadn't even used (I didn't throw these away, I gave them away to people who may use them). I actually somewhat regret this decision to throw them out now. Oh well my collection is slowly rebuilding itself.

You can guarantee I always have a pen and notepad on me. Simply because you never know when you may need to jot something down.  There are 2 I specifically always have on me. One for work. Where I jot down whats happening on the shift so when it comes to writing the daily reports, If I have forgotten anything its only a read away.

I also have a general notebook I carry about. My little black, that isn't black book. For my general listings (yes I tend to write in lists) within My little black, that isn't black book are several ideas for blog posts.

Although I don't actually know the where about's of this book is at the moment. And it does have several ideas in for posts. Hence the reason I have ended up writing an entire post on stationary. I am mourning the loss of my little black,  that isn't black book. (It's actually Blue. Just in case you are wondering)

Tuesday, 7 February 2012

07. Coming Out

I actually don't remember all that much about coming out to my family. From what I can remember, I was about 18/19 and decided to throw it mid argument with the woman about something barely related, and it just went from there.

The Girl (My little sister) who would of been about 12/13 at the time went on to tell the boy, who at the time was about 6/7, that I had a disease called homosexuality. He would barely talk, touch or come near me for about 2 weeks.

I had the usual from the woman.
You've had boyfriends.

Yes, Mother, but this was a cover up, a front. I didn't accept that I was a lesbian myself.
What I didn't tell her is that I was generally paralytically drunk when it came to anything sexual with boys, or that I often imagined it was a girl on top of me. I felt this bit was best kept out.

It's because there is too much of it on TV.

Why yes mother, now a days there is a lot of gay related things on the TV, but I can assure you my watching of Buffy the Vampire Slayer's Willow and Tara kissing did not turn me gay.
In actual fact it just turned me on.
It's just a phase, if you lose a bit of weight and dress more girly. You'll be attracted to boys.

No Mother, its not that. I am actually attracted to women. The way I dress, nor my weight has anything to do with my sexual preference.
Yes, I'm uncomfortable in my body. Thanks for reminding me.

It's because you got bullied at school. They have made you believe you are gay.

No mother. I was simply in denial.

Now let me divulge a little in this theory of hers.

At school whilst I was in my 3rd year of high school. I had a group of friends which I used to hang around with. Two of these friends are still very close and very dear to me. One of them I talk to when I see her. And the other 2 I am not even sure what they are doing now.

One of the two I no longer speak to basically "bullied" me. She would continuously put me down, call me names. And spread round the school that I was a lesbian and that I fancied one of the female teachers (as it happens I did fancy the teacher, but I just thought I looked up to her). At the time I was in fact a huge homophobe. I despised the thought of gay people. And didn't want to be singled out at school. So I acted up on it. Rebelled. Was a little shit.

Now I am older, and like to think wiser. It turns out the reason I was so homophobic is because I was a self hater, I was in denial. I did in fact fancy that teacher, and not as I put it look up to her. I understand that I was trying to cover up my feelings for this teacher by calling it something different. I acted up in order to be sent to see this teacher to receive my telling off, or in reality, to be alone with her.

I had previously, as I called it really looked up to Christina Ricci when younger. I see now that I fancied the ass off her. I was obsessed in fact.

I made a new group of friends, and we are all very much friends now. And I think I came out to them when I was about 16. They wasn't phased at all by it. I think they wondered why I had defended my heterosexuality so much. But to my recollection none of them have ever actually questioned me on this.

I feel blessed to have these friends in my life still now, even though we don't see one another as much as I would like. But I know we will be friends for a long time to come.

Monday, 6 February 2012

06. Slush

Don't ya just hate slush!

And I'm not talking about the drinks, because the previous statement would just be wrong, cause I love slushies!

I'm talking about the mucky, grey, muddy stuff that is prominent in winter.

Yes. The stuff that comes after snow. It is because of slush why I dislike snow in my old age. Yes snow is all white and pretty. And I love the feel and sound it makes when I walk on a fresh bit of snow. Although weirdly enough this sound also makes me want to grit my teeth. I love it before it starts melting into the previously mentioned slush.

So the snow melting turns into slush, then the freezing temperature turns the slush into... huge blocks of ice.

Walking to work this morning was no fun at all, in between slipping on the slush and skidding on the blocks of ice, I was also trying to dodge the disgusting water residue left behind. I wasn't doing to bad at this, in fact. I did remarkably well getting to work in once piece. Feet slightly sodden where the dreaded stuff had seeped through my footwear. I was quite proud of myself.

Worked Passed. Luckily. And considering it was my first early in ages it went quite well and things, undoubtedly hadn't changed all that much. We were short staffed, once again, but plodded through, each break was a very welcome one to get into the cold air. I've got this theory, which I am often called for by a friend, that it's never that cold when its snowed. I stand by it. I managed to get through each of my breaks with no coat or jacket, and just my hat on.

2.30pm finally came and I had to cancel my plan of going to the gym in order to go home to let the boy (my brother) in as he had forgotten his keys. So I rushed home in the hazardous slushiness, and again although near running it made it home in one piece. EXCELLENT.

Guess which smart arse had also forgot her keys? Yes that would be me.

Also guess which smart arse managed to slip in the sludge as I paced the garden waiting for the woman (my mother).

Yes that would also be me.

Sunday, 5 February 2012

05. Winding Down

At the start of writing this post I finished work 1 and a half hours ago.

I am due back on shift at 7 am in morning. I cannot remember the last time I worked the early shift..

To be prepared for this shift I will need to be getting up at about 5.30 - 5.45am.

I am shocking at getting up early. Terrible in fact. And I dread the quick shift change.

I work majority late shifts, with 10pm finishes, it doesn't bother me so much working the late shifts, in fact I prefer it. The staff are much better to work with then the morning staff. The only good thing about morning shifts is after 2:30pm you have the rest of the day to yourself.

The only thing that bugs me about the late shift is the inability to wind down after a shift, often its normally 2am or later before I am fully relaxed after the late shift, and feel able to get to sleep.

I have tried many things to try and enhance my winding down, but most just tend to wake me up more. It doesn't help that my mind is more active on a night either. It's when I feel my most awake, my best ideas and what not coming in the wee hours that many are snoozing away. Even when I am tired and find myself going to bed, which is considered early for me, I find that once laid in bed, I find my self waking up.

I often think this could be because other than work, at the moment my life lacks routine. Something I do enjoy having. I like to know whats happening and when.

Saturday, 4 February 2012

04. What's you type?

Often when playing the dating game, or the getting to know girls better stage I have come across this question. Or even been asked it by straight girls who want you to fancy them. (see yesterdays post)

Either way, which ever situation, most of the time I find myself stumbling to answer it. I find that if it's a girl who is interested in me, but I am not so much into them I find myself attempting to describe the entire opposite of what they are.

But really, now I have thought about it, deep down I don't particularly have a "type" that I go for. I like the general things such as a good sense of humor, being able to hold a conversation. Those types of things.

And in all honestly, when being asked what is my type I often wonder if they are asking what kind of lesbian am I into, as in fem, butch etc. Or what type of personalities do I go for? Maybe this is why I stumble when answering this question.

I do tend to prefer the more feminine girls, but I would never swear off a tom boy or butch. At the end of the day it's the personality that wins me over.

Friday, 3 February 2012

03. Do You Fancy Me?

I came out once to a straight girl friend at work. For the purpose we will call her, Katie. She didn't take the ewww approach that I assumed she would. In fact it was quite the opposite. (I'm not saying I expect everyone to take the anti gay approach, but she was the type of person you'd think would be anti gay, lets just say she wasn't the most open minded person).

So here I was with Katie, a few years my junior, absolutely fascinated with knowing a gay person. She would ask me all types of questions. I answered them, as truthfully as I could.

Then one day that question came "Do you fancy me then? What about [insert name here] or [insert name here]". I told Katie the truth. No I didn't fancy her, and asked her "Do you fancy every bloke you look at?". She told me she didn't, and there was a long pause. I thought that the conversation had ended.

How wrong was I. Katie continued to attempt to flirt with me daily. "Do you fancy me yet?". No. She tried harder and harder with her flirting attempts each day as she tried to persuade me into fancying her. Even down to grabbing my breasts or my arse. Now if I would of done this to one of the female syaff at work would it of been seen as sexual harassment? Either way it wasn't working, and you could almost see the frustration in Katie's face.

"But why don't you fancy me?"

I don't think that Katie could apprehend the fact that I didn't have anything more that a friendship attraction to her.

She started asking me "What's your type then?". I thought about this, and described  the entire opposite to Katie. When home later that night I rethought about it. And I had told Katie an entire load of bollocks to try get her to slow down her rejected flirting attempts.

It didn't work. She continued to flirt until she no longer worked for the company. I often wondered if Katie was maybe curious about her sexuality, but then at the same time, I think it was more so cause she wanted, actually really wanted me to fancy her

Thursday, 2 February 2012

02. Gym

As part of my DayZero project, I said I was going to rejoin a gym. So I did it.

After much consideration I decided to join the local council run gym. It's small but is more then suffice for my needs as they currently stand. It's cheap, and I can use any of the council leisure centres too. And best of all its in walking distance, so no forking out for buses to and from the gym. I wont even have to rush if I am due at work as it is not far from their either.

The gym I had previously been a member of had all the latest equipment, and was cheap at £20 per month and was open 24/7. The only downside is that it is miles away from where I am currently living and has no pool, which sucks as I would like to eventually start swimming when I feel a bit more body conscious.

I'm starting off slowly at the moment to try and get into it again, and with my current leg injury, which I am in the process of trying to sort out, it's probably best to keep it at a slow pace for the time being.

I have also recently changed one of my DayZero project tasks (yes I am allowed to no where did I state they are set in stone) to take up running/jogging. Along side this I may start a new blog. or at least a new section of this blog names "Run Fat Girl Run". Just so I can post general fitness and what not related posts.

No longer will I be the couch potato that I have been.

"Run Fat Girl, Run!!"

Wednesday, 1 February 2012

01. White Rabbits x3

Morning BlogBuddies

So today is 1st February 2012. Have you remembered to say White Rabbits, White Rabbits, White Rabbits? For those of you who may not know, its meant to bring Good Luck.

Anyway, today is the month I am attempting to blog everyday as part of my DayZero Project. I have chosen February simply because it is the shortest month, so there will be lest post's needed, therefore making this task slightly easier, in theory. Albeit a leap year which I had forgotten about so for the next 29 days I will be frantically trying to think of a post for everyday.

"White Rabbits, White Rabbits, White Rabbits"

Wish me luck.

Tuesday, 31 January 2012

Goodbyes Suck...

Yesterday I was subjected to a stream of tears as I said goodbye to my best friend. For the third time.

Goodbyes are never easy. She cried, her mum cried. I held it together and waited until the walk home to have a little sob as the rain and hail poured upon me. I didn't stick around to watch the car drive off into the distance because I just wasn't strong enough to do it.

She has jetted back to what I suppose is now is safe to say her official home in China, where she teaches English.

We discussed the possibility of my sister and I going to visit her in June time, which I hope will happen as I would love to see the area where her new life is.

We even spoke about the possibility of myself also going out there for a year come this September time. I like the idea. Very much so, but it is safe to say I am a home bird, and that it would be a very big step for me. One of the reason's I didn't end up accepting my unconditional offer at Manchester Met University is because of the fear of being to far away from my family, the fear of being alone and not making new friends. Fear of losing my old friends. (There are other reasons which I wish not to name at the moment)

I didn't make a firm decision because I have several commitments here which need attending first, besides I would only have to give her about a months notice or so if I wanted to join her. Also 8 months is a long time to be able to change my mind, who knows what might happen here in that time? I might fall desperately in love like the hopeless romantic in me craves. But then again, I may be throwing away an opportunity of a life time for something that isn't definitely going to happen.

I suppose all I can do is live life as it comes for the moment, battle my inner demons of fear of the unknown, and see where I go from there.

Sunday, 22 January 2012

Handbags at dawn...

Slippers at the ready.

If my time working within the care sector has taught me anything, it's that the elderly are not necessarily as frail as they are often seen to be. Many a times have I had to step in to stop fights. I'm not talking about argumentative fights, but full blown fistycuff fights. People often wonder why I call them Ninja Bids...

Take the other day for example. I walked into the lounge to see one elderly woman with an iron grip hold of another old lady whilst being slapped with a slipper. In order to break this fight up I was in the firing line of a few swift hits myself, whilst across the room there was two other ladies grappling over a seat which they both claimed to own, and just next to them was one old man threatening to hit another.The other week an old lady had thrown a table (The over bed hospital style) across the room in order to try hit another resident. Luckily they failed. Unluckily I received a punch as I walked by to pick it up.

I posted the other week about escorting one old lady to hospital and it made me think about another time when I had to escort an elderly gentleman who was suffering with dementia to hospital a few years back, we'll call him Arty for the sake of it.

Arty had to attend A & E for some particular reason which I can no longer remember. Arty to look at was the typical cute looking grandfather type. Except he wasn't if he wanted to do something, he would do it, be it eat something, kick something or relief his self somewhere.Whilst in A&E Arty had decided he wanted to relieve his self, and decided that it was going to be on the half conscious man laid on his bed on the corridor.  Obviously I tried my hardest to persuade him not to, and slowly, and with a hell of a lot of effort lead him the toilet, all the while receiving Chinese burns and nails dug into me. I managed to get him there toilet, but I hadn't planned what would happen within the toilet. I literally came out looking like I had been fighting with lions, scratched like a cat pole, and my uniform shredded, literally shredded to pieces.

My boss at the time had called me to see how it was going, I explained what Arty was being like and what he had done to my uniform, I was told to "stitch it back up". It wasn't until he came to pick me and Arty up in the car that he had realised just how bad I had had it with Arty.

There are so many times I have been unprovokingly attacked its unreal. More so at my last place of work, with it being a specialism in Elderly Mentally Impaired, mainly taking on residents that had been kicked out of their previous homes for violence.

There has only ever been once when I actually feared one of these attacks, it was when escorting an elderly man to his bedroom, his mood all of a sudden changed, and he had strangled me for the whole journey from the ground floor to the second floor. That lift seemed to be going extra slow that day. On finally reaching the second floor the other carers tried to release his grasp as I went blue in the face and gasped for breath.

What did I do?

I got my breath back, took a little time to compose myself and continued to do my job.What else could I do? They attack us - nothing happens. We attack them, we go on a Potection Of Vunerable Adults (POVA) list.

Saturday, 21 January 2012

Bollocks... Bloggers Block.

Well Hello BlogBuddies!!

It would seem it has hit me.

The awfulness that is Bloggers Block.

I wouldn't mind so much if it wasn't for the fact I had met up for coffee with a girl yesterday (and had a very enjoyable time too might I add) and throughout ort talking there was so many times that I had thought, and on occasions announce that that would make a good blog post. Great. Plenty of future post ideas here. How wrong was I. As soon as I got home and thought "I'll write a post" it all went. All the ideas I had had.

Now as of the beginning of this year I have been carrying around a small notebook in which to write ideas down, in order to prevent the little mishaps like this occurring. But alas yesterday my notebook did not make an appearance I didn't wish to come over too much of a geek.

I mean really if you had met for coffee with a girl and she started taking notes on the conversation you would think she was a little weird right?

I was going to attempt to blog everyday next month, in order to complete one of my DayZero tasks. I picked next month with it being the shortest month, 28 days. Normally anyway. My friend reminded me it was a leap year this year. So now I have 29 posts to attempt. Not 28 as I had originally thought.


Thursday, 19 January 2012

Emotional Wreck at Work (Part 3 of 3)

So this is the third and final installment of this series of posts.

This title doesn't particularly fit per say, as this particular event was during my stint as a student nurse. So Emotional Wreck at Uni would of been more suitable, but hey ho. I wasn't an emotional wreck in the sense that I cried, but more so because I was so angry with what had happened.

It was during my first ever placement in 2007, I was "working" in one of the hospitals on a surgical ward. I'll always remember my time on this ward, not only for the incredibly hot freshly qualified nurse that worked there but also because of an elderly woman which was a patient during my time there.

The lady, who I will call, Hilda for the purpose of telling this story, was about 90 years old, and to my recollection had had some form of lower gastrointestinal surgery. Not only this, but she was suffering from slight Dementia also. Emphasis on the Slight.

On coming onto shift one morning and receiving the handover it was passed on that Hilda hadn't eaten whist her stay on the ward.
Me: Why is she not eating?
Nurse: I don't know!
Me: Well have you tried asking her why she isn't eating?
Nurse: Of course we have! (in a rather sharpest tone)

I thought it best to leave it at that, after all I was only the student.

That lunch time I observed Hilda, as it turns out the people what had been giving her her meals would walk in, plonk down her tray on her table and walk out. On seeing this I went into the room and started speaking to her, explaining to her that her food was there, I pulled up her table and asked her if she would like her meal cutting up. She did, so I cut it up for her and handed her knife and fork. She ate her full meal that day. Basically all she needed was a little more time and patience.

Hilda would also often soil herself, and the Nurses and Health Care assistants would often go into the cubicle, clean her up, and not once interact with her whilst doing it. They often complained about having to deal with her.This really infuriated me. At the end of the day she was a living person and needed their help, she had had major surgery for her age and they where acting as though they where just doing the dishes or mopping the floor.

She would often sit in her room, in silence, even though she had a TV in there, just because she wasn't able to turn it on herself, and no one could be bothered to go turn it on for her. In my opinion she was denied her basic rights.

Again Hilda was a very comical old lady, as many old people often are. If you actually give them the time and patience to live to them.

I'll always remember one thing she said to me.
Hilda: Don't worry, your Aunty Hilda still loves you, and your mum will come round.
Me: What do you mean Hilda?
Hilda: It doesn't bother me you know.
Me: What doesn't?
Hilda: That your one of them...
Me: of what?
Hilda: *Looking around and whispering* A lesbian.

I still sit and laugh about this. I think it was one of them be there things.

Tuesday, 17 January 2012

Emotional Wreck at Work (Part 2 of 3)

Another time I became an emotional wreck at work was in December of 2011.

There was a female resident, A, who had been living with us since early 2011, and I can honestly say she is the first resident I had truly took to. She was down to earth and funny, and called a spade a spade. She was in fact an amazing woman to look after. I enjoyed going to work to go see her, and to talk to her.

She made me laugh as she had dubbed me a new name, despite knowing my actual name.
A: Michaela whens yourbreak?
Me:My names not Michaela A.
A: I know but you look like a Michaela so that's what I'm going to call you.
Me: Okay fair enough.
A: So whens your break?
Me: Why A do you want a fag?
A: Yeah.
I don't know A you'll have to ask the senior.
A: Oi, When's it Michaela's break
Senior: Now if she wants it.
A: Michaela take me for a fag please.

So off I used to trot to make us a cuppa and out for a fag, where we would often sit chatting about A's family and her past life and her pet dog.

It would seem she liked the men in her younger days, and in fact still did in her senior years. I recall one day when she had tried to grab one of the workmen's bottoms as I pushed her past in her wheelchair. On another occasion there had been work men on the roof and she was heckling to them to turn around as it was the front she had wanted to see.

I think its safe to say I loved this woman as if she was my own Grandma.I think it's also safe to say she quite liked me. She would complain to her family when I wasn't on shift. Or if had had a few days off she would ask if I had left.

In her latter weeks she would spend most of the days calling the various names she had come to call me, even when I wasn't on shift. She would refuse care's unless it was carried out by me.

It's the most horrible feeling walking out of a room to hear the family shout you back in because she needed urgent attention. Something had happened, and she was not breathing or responding. I did what I could until the ambulance had arrive. The family invited me to the hospital as she (in there words) Loved Me, and they felt I would like to see her, as they had been told she wouldn't live long. So I went and stayed with the family for 4-5 hours.

She lived a few days longer than expected. I visited her whilst in hospital and then when on shift the day after the manager came and told me that she had passed.

I cried. I cried as though I had lost my own Grandmother. I often walked into her empty room and looked around it.

A's funeral is the first I have ever attended in my time of working in care homes. I had to act professional as I had also been sent to represent the Home, but either way I was adamant on attending it. If I'm honest it was hard fighting back the tears as saying goodbye, and more so when my own Nanna's funeral song was played.

I can honestly say that this looking after this woman was a pleasure, and having her in my life, and meeting her even for a short amount of time was an honor.

I have had many memorable conversations, and memories with this lady. She will always stay with me for ever.


Read Emotional Wreck at work Part 1

Monday, 16 January 2012

Emotional Wreck at Work (Part 1 of 3)

In my 8 years of working in care homes and within hospitals during my stint as a Student Nurse there I can honestly say there are only a several occasions that I have come near to emotional wreckage.

In fact as awful as it sounds there are only 3 instances that come to mind (to date) . And I find myself asking myself, is it because I am professional or just damn right hardhearted when it comes to my job?

The latest happening within the last 12 hours of this post.

On going to do some personal cares on a client, my colleague and I went into the elderly mans room to find he had passed away quite unexpectedly. As awful as it sounds I was not phased by his passing. It had been expected (he was in his 90's and was ill), but not so rapidly. We went through the correct procedures. Ambulance, Police officers (Due to it being officially unexpected as there was no DNR or palliative nurse in place), all the correct procedure.

Saturday, 7 January 2012

Age Discrimination and the NHS

The NHS must never discriminate based on age – that was the message given by Care Services Minister Paul Burstow when he announced that the Department of Health will not be seeking any exceptions to the planned implementation of the Equality Act 2010. (Original here)

The other day I had to escort one of the elderly ladies I look after to hospital due to a fall she had had. There was concerns with the bruising and swelling around one of her eyes, She literally looked like she had been in 10 rounds with Mike Tyson.

After waiting for a few hours to be seen by the consultant in order to be referred for a scan, the consultant in question had said "At the age of 89, even if there are any major concerns I don't think anyone will be taking her to surgery, do you?".

This disgusted me, he had already decided this lady would be unsuitable for surgery because of her old age? So because she is old she is unfit for surgery why?

I'll have you know this lady, does not look nearly 90. In fact other than memory problems she is indeed very fit for her age! In fact on waiting for the results to be confirmed by the senior radiographer, I had to leave early, as because she was sick of waiting she was beginning to kick off, so I had to make arrangements for them to call me if there are any abnormalities.



This "frail old lady" who was assumed unfit for surgery proceeded to cause quite a show in the hospital, and had to be escorted from the hospital to the taxi by myself and the 2 security staff.

I can tell you from experience, she packs a hard punch!!

Tuesday, 3 January 2012

Brotherly Love....

Oh yes! I am doing so well with this DayZero project lark!

Another one completed :-) HUZZAH!

I actually completed this a few days ago, and in all honesty totally forgot it was on my list. Maybe I should keep a copy of the list in a note book? :/

I bought my brother a 360 game which he has been wanting for longer then I can actually remember. I think it's safe to say he is happy with this purchase as I have rarely seen him since he got it.

It's some viking game or something? I don't actually know in all truthfulness.

But hey. I've marked another of the list.

Go Me!!

Monday, 2 January 2012

Happy 2012

So the new year is upon us.

And it is around this time of year people make new years resolutions. I often make them, and like many others, its unlikely that I will stick to them. So the other day I was sat thinking about this years resolutions, listing them in my head. Then a thought came into my head, the majority of things I was listing already appear in my DayZero list.

So rather than more or less repeating them here, go read it there. I am slowly achieving them. And I have a longer time scale then 365 days to complete them, although this year being a leap year would make it 366 days.

I have vowed although to no longer allow people to treat me like a mug.